THIS is me

I am me.Do I know entirely who that is?not by any means.for I am ever changing.ever growing. (okay maybe not so much 'growing')developing into something new.little bits at a time.I have never smoked a cigarette.I have never done a single drug.and I'd be more ashamed to tell my kids that I haven't.than if I had.do I understand myself?not usually.I am ever confusing.What I want changes constantly.on a daily basis even.it's hard to keep up.I hate chocolate.except on the day that mother nature visits.and only in the form of chocolate chip cookies.Chips are my comfort food.so is Arby's 4 for 6 deal.I can keep up drinking with the boys.until you give me a glass of red wine.I am a young woman.short, and tiny but full of personality.self-conscious and at times overly anxious.I make mistakes and choices that I shouldn't.I push people away.I bring people into easily. Trust until I can't trust anymore.I let myself get hurt.and I beat myself up for it.I like to take up the entire bed.unless you want to cuddle.then I sleep right on the edge.when I was little I insisted on sleeping in a thin nightgown with my too small blanket.now I sleep in pants and a tank topwith two comforters.I am an overachiever.I set ridiculous expectations for myself.and lower my standards of everyone else.I am scared of failing.I take it personally when things around me go wrong.and I will fight to the death in hopes that "things will get better".so that I am not giving up.I listen to ridiculous amounts of country music.but I thoroughly enjoy blaring cheesy rap at red lights.I watch as many Flames games as possible.and I will not cheer on the oilers or the canucks under any circumstances.I read post secret every sunday morning.just to see if someone shares mine.I am quirky.I do not like peanut butter.and I hate drinking milk.but I love peanut butter on toast for breakfast.with a glass of milk to wash it down.Meatballs and meatloaf disgust me.but I love hamburgers.I did not grow up in a touchy feely house.and I was bullied throughout junior high.affection scares me.loves scares me.and I don't like to show emotion.I wear my heart on my sleeve.I don't drink coffee.I use filtered water for my tea.and tap water for your coffee.Caffeine upsets my stomach.so does sugar.I do not know what I believe in.I have faith in a higher being.but I question everything.I cannot stand religion.and I do not believe in humanity.If I don't want to do something.I am extremely stubborn. or silent until something else is suggested.I don't like to speak my mind.I don't vote.but I am very opinionated.I need my space.and freedom to choose.and I will get it willingly or not.I don't listen to people very well.I'd rather learn the hard way.I let my past influence my future.I am terrified of change.and elevators, boats, and snakes.I believe that a good book and a cup of tea can solve any bad day.I believe that TV does depict real life.I am a sister, a daughter, granddaughter and friend.a lover, a hater, a girlfriend, an ex, a thing of the past.There are a dozen different labels for what I am.but this...THIS is Me.

Worth Fighting For

We've been around in circles 'bout a thousand times
babe it's been so long, and I just don't know why
Does it really even matter who is wrong or right anymore?
I can't believe I spoke to you that way
And I'm trying to forget the words I heard you say
how our two hearts are holding this much hate and blame
I don't know

I know I can't remember
No I don't know the reason why we ever started fighting anymore
If we could just loose the temper and find a way to be more tender
Our love is just too strong to ignore
And that's worth fighting for

It's just foolish pride to hold these feelings back
Cause I look into your eyes and I'm a helpless man
I know you hate it when I try to make you laugh
even so I want to hold you like I've never done
say I'm sorry long before tomorrow morning comes
show you how I know that I'm the lucky one

Cause babe I know
I know I can't remember
No I don't know the reason why we ever started fighting anymore
If we could just loose the temper and find a way to be more tender
Our love is just too strong to ignore
And that's worth fighting for

4 days.

4 days and you'll be gone. i'm scared.
i'm scared of losing you.
i've lost you before.
but it was different then.
in 14 years i have never felt this way.

even though i told my mom 12 years ago that i would marry you.
i never imagined i'd grow up and still feel that way.
cinderella waiting for her prince.
like the play we wrote together.
when you were the first boy to phone my house.

i can't help but wish we were back on the playground.
for the days of red rover.
when i could hold your hand.
promise to never let go.
and nothing would ever break us.

but now you're leaving.
to start a new life for yourself.
one that you say will include me.
because this is what you want.
this is what we've waited for.

14 years of friendship.
comparing every lover to the other.
losing touch and 5 years later finding everything's the same
not talking for 8 months because the feelings were too strong.
only to park beside eachother at the dollarama on macleod.
on that random friday afternoon.
you told me your hopes, your fears, your dreams that day.

and i fell in love in ways that i never knew were possible.
i realized what i had been searching for all of these years.
my school girl crush had caught up with me.
and for once in my life i couldn't deny it to anyone.

and the first time that you took my hand in yours.
carefully caressing each finger.
whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
too wrapped up in eachother to even pay attention to Scrubs.
i knew there would be no turning back.

when i kissed you 3 days later. awkward as it was.
there were no questions in my mind.
i only cared about that moment.
i drove home in complete and total bliss.
in the -20 weather with the window down and the radio blaring.
in sweet anticipation of the days to come.

for 9 days I have had everything I could ever want.
and in 4 days you'll be gone.