Dear Boy
There are many things that I want to tell you, things that you deserve to know, but there are reasons why I can't. Maybe it's insecurities; maybe just my own stupidity. I want you to know that there are areas of my life that I'm not ready to share with you yet. Please don't think you did anything wrong. You didn't.
I want you to know that I am a girl. That regardless of how often you tell me that I am beautiful, sometimes I'll think otherwise. I am insecure in myself, it's not because of you. Though you want to, you can't fix it. I want you to know that I have a fear of eating in front of people. I'm not just starving myself. I don't like social situations. If I act shy around your friends, or pull away, it's not that I don't like them, I'm wondering if they like me.
I want you to know that I'm not always as strong as I act. I cry myself to sleep at night, and I don't always know why. It's silly I know. I don't like drawing attention to myself, because I don't know if I can handle what people think. So if I don't kiss you in public, don't take it personally. I want you to think that I can take care of myself, but I want you to understand that deep down I need to know that you're there too.I want you to know that I'm okay. That you didn't cause of any of this, but at the same time, you might not be able to fix it either. I don't want you to worry about me. It hurts to think that you might.
Most of all I want you to know that even though there's some baggage that comes with me, I'm going to give this all that I can. I'm in it for the long haul if you are. But please don't worry about me. I'm ok. I just wanted you to know.
Love Girl.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
Deep thinking?
Wow, it has been 3 weeks since I have blogged... yikes. The last blog was not particularily nice either, although I do really feel that way about the individual at times. Anyway, here's an update on life, in a deep thought process.
People are always talking about the 'honeymoon stage' of a relationship ending. The stage when you begin to realize , the commitment you've made, the differences between you and that person, and the struggles of a life with someone else. What is this stage called when you're dating? We all go through it, there's the few months of complete and total bliss then somewhere you hit a rough spot and things never seem to return to the exact way they were in the early months. I tried talking to one of my friends about this, and of course everyone suddenly got concerned about my current relationship. Things are okay, as far as I know, I'm just not sure that everything really is on his end. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, maybe we're just past those blissful months? Or maybe I'm creating problems out of nothing. Hmm.
Why is it that as humans we find it so hard to be there for the small, day to day things but in the event of a larger problem we'll rush to do what we can. Not just world crisis, or the famine in Africa, but day to day relationships as well. Especially in the teenage years. It is so easy to ignore eachother for weeks on end, but as soon as we hear of a crisis we do what we can to be back in that person's life. Why does it take a crisis? Why can't we all suck up our insecurities, and be there for eachother every day?
On a more positive note... I got my old job back. I am very grateful to the company for giving me a second chance. I was not always the best employee in the 7 months I worked there within the past year, so I was skeptic when I re-applied. Despite my past irresponsibility, the managers didn't give a second thought to rehiring me. I even still have some superiority over many of the front end staff. Right now I'm pretty much a floater, my name tag says 'cashier' but I do Kid's Club, Stock, and Run Errands, as well. It keeps me busy, but I'd rather have more stability. Money is money though, and it's a fairly easy job. One thousand dollars away from buying a car.
School starts again in around 3 or 4 weeks. Grade 12. Scary stuff. I'm excited that this is my last year, but I'm freaked out at the same time. I have no idea what I want to do with my life after high school, and working at Michaels probably won't last forever. Sometimes I wish I was going back to traditional school, but I don't want to try and make friends in my grade 12 year, I'm not outgoing enough for that. Plus online schooling does give me that extra flexibility with work, and day to day business. Once I have my car, I can go visit my friends at school, and I can go to school events and get to know some of the faces behind the screen. Once I figure out my future, grade 12 should be a breeze. Minus those big diploma exams.
'That's all for now folks'.
People are always talking about the 'honeymoon stage' of a relationship ending. The stage when you begin to realize , the commitment you've made, the differences between you and that person, and the struggles of a life with someone else. What is this stage called when you're dating? We all go through it, there's the few months of complete and total bliss then somewhere you hit a rough spot and things never seem to return to the exact way they were in the early months. I tried talking to one of my friends about this, and of course everyone suddenly got concerned about my current relationship. Things are okay, as far as I know, I'm just not sure that everything really is on his end. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, maybe we're just past those blissful months? Or maybe I'm creating problems out of nothing. Hmm.
Why is it that as humans we find it so hard to be there for the small, day to day things but in the event of a larger problem we'll rush to do what we can. Not just world crisis, or the famine in Africa, but day to day relationships as well. Especially in the teenage years. It is so easy to ignore eachother for weeks on end, but as soon as we hear of a crisis we do what we can to be back in that person's life. Why does it take a crisis? Why can't we all suck up our insecurities, and be there for eachother every day?
On a more positive note... I got my old job back. I am very grateful to the company for giving me a second chance. I was not always the best employee in the 7 months I worked there within the past year, so I was skeptic when I re-applied. Despite my past irresponsibility, the managers didn't give a second thought to rehiring me. I even still have some superiority over many of the front end staff. Right now I'm pretty much a floater, my name tag says 'cashier' but I do Kid's Club, Stock, and Run Errands, as well. It keeps me busy, but I'd rather have more stability. Money is money though, and it's a fairly easy job. One thousand dollars away from buying a car.
School starts again in around 3 or 4 weeks. Grade 12. Scary stuff. I'm excited that this is my last year, but I'm freaked out at the same time. I have no idea what I want to do with my life after high school, and working at Michaels probably won't last forever. Sometimes I wish I was going back to traditional school, but I don't want to try and make friends in my grade 12 year, I'm not outgoing enough for that. Plus online schooling does give me that extra flexibility with work, and day to day business. Once I have my car, I can go visit my friends at school, and I can go to school events and get to know some of the faces behind the screen. Once I figure out my future, grade 12 should be a breeze. Minus those big diploma exams.
'That's all for now folks'.
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