RIP Tico

So thursday sucked.... my mom woke me up to ask me to come look at My Rabbit (tico) who wasn't moving at all. When I went to his cage, he was laying on his side... very abnormal. I opened the cage, to find him not breathing. After feeling for broken bones, I found that his one foot was stuck inside his hiding place. Based on the lack of blood in the cage, we are assuming that he must have punctured something inside, in his struggle to get his foot out.

Tico was my baby, from the day I got him he was spoiled as anything. When he wanted attention he would bang on his cage or throw things against the walls of his cage. When I finally opened his cage door, I could let him run around the house for hours, when he was tired he would plop down in a corner, and he never peed out of his litter box. He had a leash and collar, and whenever I was outside I'd take him out and he'd run around the yard. He could even go out back without his leash, after all he just wanted to eat the grass. During the winter he'd spend hours sitting in my lap cuddeling, or laying on my bedroom floor. He would follow me around the house, and just like a toddler, when he wanted up he'd stand on his two back legs, front paws on my leg. As soon as I picked him up, he'd snuggle with his head on my shoulder. Although he sometimes chewed on my carpet, and he liked to leave gifts when he was in the room. He was my baby... my reason for smiling on those really hard days.

Tico knew where we kept treats.. carrots and apples... and everytime we would open the fridge he'd hop over to the fridge, and try to get into the fruit and veggie crispers, if you didn't pull out a treat, he'd look at you then paw at the crisper some more until he got what he wanted. If his water bottle was empty, he would jump up on to my computer desk and drink out of my water glass, or go upstairs and drink out the dogs water dish. It was rather cute. People food was his favorite.. after all chocolate tastes better than pellets. Christmas Eve we were watching a movie, and mom and dad had been drinking wine. Well Tico thought he should have some, he was pretty determined... he stood with his front paws on the bottle licking the rim. When dad moved the bottle away, Tico jumped onto the couch and tried to get it back. Alcoholic bunny.

I couldn't at 15 have a real baby, so we adopted Tico as my furry baby. He was my mom's grandbunny. When he got dirty and had to have a bath, mom would pull out the heating pad and a carrot and hold him till he was warm. If I was out all day, she'd get him out of his cage so he could run around and when it was time for him to go back in his cage she'd get him a carrot. Whenever people came over, she'd talk about her grandbunny. Dad would share PITA out of his mouth with Tico, and talk 'nose wiggle'. However their relationship wasn't always that great. One of the few times Tico peed outside of his cage, was the night that he came to live with us.. he went to have a cuddle with dad and peed on him. Regardess, even dad loved the bunny.
Tico loved to go on adventures in whitney and destiny's rooms, because there was always something to find. Either food scraps, or something to play in. Often I would go upstairs, and whitney would go "he's in here", or Destiny would come downstairs with him, because he'd been under her bed. His other favorite place for food scraps or wrappers, was when he was in mom and dad's room, he would always head straight for the garbage can, often all you'd be able to see was his little black tail at the top of the can. Maybe that's a sign that he wanted to be fed more? haha.

Even Mark, who is not an animal person, would sit and cuddle with Tico. One time Destiny came down to my room, and asked, "If you're tico's mommy does that mean that Mark is is dad?"... it was pretty cute. When we went to Disneyland last summer, Tico stayed at Mark's house... dog kennel and all. I phoned Mark half way through the week to find out that Tico didn't like Marks dad and tried to avoid Mark.. but he was doing well. Phew.

Tico was a rabbit like none other... full of personality and life, which is why his death was so unexpected. I wear the tag off of his collar on a chain around my neck and keep his picture on my desk. Even if I do get another rabbit, I know it won't be the same. But I know that by adopting Tico I was not only saving his life, but through the months, he made a difference in mine.

R.I.P Bunny.

Happiness

They say that happiness is a virtue.. I could not agree more!

I was thinking the other day, while I was really down and upset. I thought about just how much of the past two years I have spent down and depressed. Batteling off and on with mild anorexia, fighting with depression and anxiety but never admitting it. Giving everyone the impression that I wasn't okay, but telling everyone that I was. I realized that it really wasn't worth it.

During this time I began thinking of grade 8, a time when I was truly happy, happier than I can ever remember being. Thinking of all the happy memories I have, of all the things that I did, and the one person who made it that much better for me, Dane. This really put the whole happiness thing into perspective for me.

For those of you who personally know me, I pretty much should have been admitted to a hospital after Mark broke up with me. I hit the darkest point in my life, but to everyone I put on a mask, acted fine. When I truly wasn't. I believed that if I told everyone that I was fine, I would be. I began branching out with friends more often, getting involved in activities that were important to me, prior to Mark. This wasn't helping things at all. So I tried hiding from everyone, including myself. Clearly, this wasn't going to work either. I toyed with thoughts of suicide, and over dosing, but I knew this wouldn't make things better either.

Slowly I started to realize that being depressed wasn't getting me anywhere. The person who had been there for me through everything in the past 2 years gave up on me, because even he couldn't take me anymore. He didn't know how he could help, and he pulled away. I realized that I had to change.

I would like to say that he pushed me in the right direction, but I hit an even bigger downward spiral. I felt that I couldn't go on without him, that if he was going to give up on me, there wasn't any point in trying. But slowly with his support, from a distance of course, and the help of my girlfriends, I started to get back up. For 5 weeks I would take two steps forward and another step back, but every step forward was progress.

Sunday I hit a true moment of happiness, although the tears would lead you to think otherwise. I realized that I truly was going to be okay without Mark, I had my girls, everything would be okay. Then the person I had waited 3 years for, asked me for a second chance. Well at this point I was in Heaven. Someone who had been through the whole depression thing, and shared that with me, had just asked me to be in their life again. Nothing could be better.

Until tuesday came. It was a typical day, but then I decided to walk to Heather's place, we watched our girlie shows. Then walked to the park, we spent over an hour at the park, even in the rain. Swinging on swings, sliding down the slide, going across the monkey bars. It was like elementary and junior high all over again. It was then that I realized just how important it is to let yourself have those times in life. And what it feels like to be.. truly happy.