Happiness

They say that happiness is a virtue.. I could not agree more!

I was thinking the other day, while I was really down and upset. I thought about just how much of the past two years I have spent down and depressed. Batteling off and on with mild anorexia, fighting with depression and anxiety but never admitting it. Giving everyone the impression that I wasn't okay, but telling everyone that I was. I realized that it really wasn't worth it.

During this time I began thinking of grade 8, a time when I was truly happy, happier than I can ever remember being. Thinking of all the happy memories I have, of all the things that I did, and the one person who made it that much better for me, Dane. This really put the whole happiness thing into perspective for me.

For those of you who personally know me, I pretty much should have been admitted to a hospital after Mark broke up with me. I hit the darkest point in my life, but to everyone I put on a mask, acted fine. When I truly wasn't. I believed that if I told everyone that I was fine, I would be. I began branching out with friends more often, getting involved in activities that were important to me, prior to Mark. This wasn't helping things at all. So I tried hiding from everyone, including myself. Clearly, this wasn't going to work either. I toyed with thoughts of suicide, and over dosing, but I knew this wouldn't make things better either.

Slowly I started to realize that being depressed wasn't getting me anywhere. The person who had been there for me through everything in the past 2 years gave up on me, because even he couldn't take me anymore. He didn't know how he could help, and he pulled away. I realized that I had to change.

I would like to say that he pushed me in the right direction, but I hit an even bigger downward spiral. I felt that I couldn't go on without him, that if he was going to give up on me, there wasn't any point in trying. But slowly with his support, from a distance of course, and the help of my girlfriends, I started to get back up. For 5 weeks I would take two steps forward and another step back, but every step forward was progress.

Sunday I hit a true moment of happiness, although the tears would lead you to think otherwise. I realized that I truly was going to be okay without Mark, I had my girls, everything would be okay. Then the person I had waited 3 years for, asked me for a second chance. Well at this point I was in Heaven. Someone who had been through the whole depression thing, and shared that with me, had just asked me to be in their life again. Nothing could be better.

Until tuesday came. It was a typical day, but then I decided to walk to Heather's place, we watched our girlie shows. Then walked to the park, we spent over an hour at the park, even in the rain. Swinging on swings, sliding down the slide, going across the monkey bars. It was like elementary and junior high all over again. It was then that I realized just how important it is to let yourself have those times in life. And what it feels like to be.. truly happy.