"you're only 21".
I think that I hear this on a daily basis, if not every other.
occasionally it is a good thing. "I can't believe how mature you are, you're only 21".
but most of the time, it's frustrating. "don't set your expectations so high; you're only 21".
There is so much more to this step into adulthood for me, than Vegas.
So much more that I want to accomplish than getting drunk off my face and partying like it's 1999.
I want to sell my car. Pay off my credit cards. and buy a house.
I want to go to school in the fall. and I want to start my dayhome soon.
I want to fall in love, and never look back.
To have a wonderful man standing beside me, supporting me in that dream.
"One hundred years from now... it will not matter what kind of car I drove. What kind of house I lived in. How much money I had in my bank account. Nor what my clothes looked like. But the world may be a little better, because I was important in the life of a child."
This is my dream. my goal. my reason for being.
and I can do it. Not only can I do it, I will do it and I will excel.
so, why should it matter than I am "only 21"?
I do not want to give it time.
I have been working towards this since I was 16 years old.
Working full time, and going to school.
Falling in and out of love faster than the seasons change.
and I want it all, by the time I am 22.
I am not "only" 21. I AM 21. and this will be my year.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I always write, I don't always post.
Letter to a lover:
we were young and in love. naive to the world. consumed with eachother.and it was so damn good.but we grew up.circumstances changed.and we grew apart.or maybe I just pulled away.I never meant to hurt you.for I always loved you.even though I did what I did.I always will.and it is because I love you that I left.I want to see you grow and prosper.I want you to become the amazing person you are capable of.I want you to really fall in love.I want you to see the world in all it's glory.in the extraordinarily beautiful way that I do.with the most amazing person you can imagine.held closely by your side.for when you find what I could not give you.it will knock you off your feet.together we were mediocrewhere we should have been extraordinary, passionate and crazy.and now the time has come to be what we could not.for we were young and in love.creating building blocks for life as it should be.and now it is time for us to be magnificent.goodbye my lover.I will cherish you deeply.and keep your memory warm.I wish you nothing but the best.
Growth:
So this is growing up.Broken hearts and poor judgement.reevaluating the past.moving on for the future.These are the years for change.for figuring out who you are, who you have been and what you have done, in order to figure out the perfect combination of who you should be.We're dropping hearts and breaking names.convincing ourselves that we don't care.because at the end of the day we're still alone with ourselves.so why not break some hearts, and make some dreams.We push eachother away because it's easier than getting hurt.We latch on because it's easier than dealing with our insecurities.and then we are surprised when things fall apart.but at the end of the day no one can love you until you love yourself.after all we never really care until we find eachother.and we'll be okay on our own.companionship is great.but it's not worth the pain.That is growing up.
Turning Point:
what does it take for us to realize that something isn't working.that things are not going to go where you want them to.that someone isn't worth the effort.why do we let it get to the point of heartbreak.and where do we go after that turning point.You were my everything.for 14 years I compared every lover to you.convinced myself that you weren't the person I was warned about.because when we were alone you were different.you were the person I dreamed of being with.you convinced me that this was what you wanted to.that this was worth giving a shot.unbeknownst to me you were telling her the same things.everything that I had waited to hear from you.was being rewound and replayed to someone else.and I wish that I cared more.but I can't give keep doing this.I won't sit around waiting for your phone call.drop everything the minute you come into town.or count down the days until you decide what you want.you made your choice when you slept with her.when you pushed me away without warning.when you stopped talking to me.if this had been what you wanted.you would have tried harder.I guess we got what we were looking for.unfortunately we weren't actually looking for the same thing.you weren't looking for a relationship.and I was looking in all of the wrong places.for something that you weren't prepared to give me.and I deserve better.I shouldn't have to play games.or wonder what is going on.I shouldn't have to hear things from other people.about what is really going on.I'm moving on.letting go of past delusions.I guess this is the turning point.from life long expectant relationship.back to unbreakable friendship.It was fun while it lasted.
Foolish Games:
why do we always want what we can't have and dispose of what we can.why do we throw away the good things in life in favor of disfunction.Girls don't want nice guys. and guys don't want nice girls.We want the drama, the instability and the insecurities.because if we actually wanted the nice guy we would have them.If guys actually wanted the good girl. well we'd have a few less... I won't even go there. Why do we thrive off of the stupid vibes.is it the thrill of the chase that makes us so blind to reality.why are we so willing to give everything that we haveevery time there is a sliver of hope.even though we know that it's not actually going to get us anywhere.why do we fool ourselves.why do we shut ourselves out from the genuine people around us.why do we ignore their effortsacts of kindness that have no hidden meaning.we cannot just accept a gift for what it is anymore.or a favor for the sake of helping someone out.why do we throw away companionship and compatibility,holding hands, silly moments, someone to turn to, quiet friday nights, random dates, blaring cheesy music, falling asleep together.for a good ... well you know.Why do we let go of the good ones.for a chance at right now.why do we lead eachother on.only to end things with a heart-wrenching blow off.because nice isn't what we actually want.if we did we wouldn't hurt eachother.we wouldn't play games.there would be no guessing.waiting, hoping, anticipating.there would be no losers.in this foolish game.
we were young and in love. naive to the world. consumed with eachother.and it was so damn good.but we grew up.circumstances changed.and we grew apart.or maybe I just pulled away.I never meant to hurt you.for I always loved you.even though I did what I did.I always will.and it is because I love you that I left.I want to see you grow and prosper.I want you to become the amazing person you are capable of.I want you to really fall in love.I want you to see the world in all it's glory.in the extraordinarily beautiful way that I do.with the most amazing person you can imagine.held closely by your side.for when you find what I could not give you.it will knock you off your feet.together we were mediocrewhere we should have been extraordinary, passionate and crazy.and now the time has come to be what we could not.for we were young and in love.creating building blocks for life as it should be.and now it is time for us to be magnificent.goodbye my lover.I will cherish you deeply.and keep your memory warm.I wish you nothing but the best.
Growth:
So this is growing up.Broken hearts and poor judgement.reevaluating the past.moving on for the future.These are the years for change.for figuring out who you are, who you have been and what you have done, in order to figure out the perfect combination of who you should be.We're dropping hearts and breaking names.convincing ourselves that we don't care.because at the end of the day we're still alone with ourselves.so why not break some hearts, and make some dreams.We push eachother away because it's easier than getting hurt.We latch on because it's easier than dealing with our insecurities.and then we are surprised when things fall apart.but at the end of the day no one can love you until you love yourself.after all we never really care until we find eachother.and we'll be okay on our own.companionship is great.but it's not worth the pain.That is growing up.
Turning Point:
what does it take for us to realize that something isn't working.that things are not going to go where you want them to.that someone isn't worth the effort.why do we let it get to the point of heartbreak.and where do we go after that turning point.You were my everything.for 14 years I compared every lover to you.convinced myself that you weren't the person I was warned about.because when we were alone you were different.you were the person I dreamed of being with.you convinced me that this was what you wanted to.that this was worth giving a shot.unbeknownst to me you were telling her the same things.everything that I had waited to hear from you.was being rewound and replayed to someone else.and I wish that I cared more.but I can't give keep doing this.I won't sit around waiting for your phone call.drop everything the minute you come into town.or count down the days until you decide what you want.you made your choice when you slept with her.when you pushed me away without warning.when you stopped talking to me.if this had been what you wanted.you would have tried harder.I guess we got what we were looking for.unfortunately we weren't actually looking for the same thing.you weren't looking for a relationship.and I was looking in all of the wrong places.for something that you weren't prepared to give me.and I deserve better.I shouldn't have to play games.or wonder what is going on.I shouldn't have to hear things from other people.about what is really going on.I'm moving on.letting go of past delusions.I guess this is the turning point.from life long expectant relationship.back to unbreakable friendship.It was fun while it lasted.
Foolish Games:
why do we always want what we can't have and dispose of what we can.why do we throw away the good things in life in favor of disfunction.Girls don't want nice guys. and guys don't want nice girls.We want the drama, the instability and the insecurities.because if we actually wanted the nice guy we would have them.If guys actually wanted the good girl. well we'd have a few less... I won't even go there. Why do we thrive off of the stupid vibes.is it the thrill of the chase that makes us so blind to reality.why are we so willing to give everything that we haveevery time there is a sliver of hope.even though we know that it's not actually going to get us anywhere.why do we fool ourselves.why do we shut ourselves out from the genuine people around us.why do we ignore their effortsacts of kindness that have no hidden meaning.we cannot just accept a gift for what it is anymore.or a favor for the sake of helping someone out.why do we throw away companionship and compatibility,holding hands, silly moments, someone to turn to, quiet friday nights, random dates, blaring cheesy music, falling asleep together.for a good ... well you know.Why do we let go of the good ones.for a chance at right now.why do we lead eachother on.only to end things with a heart-wrenching blow off.because nice isn't what we actually want.if we did we wouldn't hurt eachother.we wouldn't play games.there would be no guessing.waiting, hoping, anticipating.there would be no losers.in this foolish game.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I am a writer not a blogger
I write all day long. There are few moments that go by during the course of my day, where I am not thinking, speculating, creating. I do this with good intention. Editing my thoughts, re-writing sentences, to the voices in my head so that when I get to the computer I can write this fantastic blog.
More than just an update on my day to day life, but a peice that is so full of passion, and wisdom it doesn't just explain me but it is a creation of me.
and then I get home and I cannot put the words together. I get a few sentences typed into this box, and I hit a road block. I cannot put the puzzle together, the picture is always missing those crucial, hit home points.
I am passionate, and crazy emotional, sometimes I scare myself with the topics I want to write about. But I never know what to blog about.
a peice is in the works.
More than just an update on my day to day life, but a peice that is so full of passion, and wisdom it doesn't just explain me but it is a creation of me.
and then I get home and I cannot put the words together. I get a few sentences typed into this box, and I hit a road block. I cannot put the puzzle together, the picture is always missing those crucial, hit home points.
I am passionate, and crazy emotional, sometimes I scare myself with the topics I want to write about. But I never know what to blog about.
a peice is in the works.
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