Decisions

in 2008 I made a series of poor decisions. decisions that two years later I am still paying for both literally and figuratively. Decisions that I look back on and can only say "wtf was I thinking?" but thinking I was not. I was 18, 19 years old and as far as I was concerned, I knew everything. So I lived day to day making decisions on a whim and slowly but surely destroying everything that I had rebuilt.

I am certain that everyone around me was also wondering "wtf?" but I "knew" best and continued to do as I felt. Looking back now, they were right and I probably should have listened. I wouldn't be sitting here, a few months into 22 and trying to figure out what went wrong.

I am by no means where I had hoped to be at 22. I pushed people away, despite being given second, third and even fourth chances. I made poor decisions in regards to who I would surround myself with and what I did. Putting up walls where I should not have, and let down all of the guards that I should have left up.

I made poor financial decisions because I was young and the money could always be paid back later.

But it wasn't enough to make these decisions in 2008. No, after being given one final change, I had to continue to do them in 2009. I continued to push and pull until there was nothing left. Until I had lost everything.

My chance at being where I wanted to be by 22. To have the things that I was capable of just two years before. I had to throw it all away because I was scared. and lost. I would not admit that to anyone, I could not accept defeat.

I did it. I had to fix it. It was easier to continue running, to continue to dig a hole. Continue to hurt people. To hold myself back.

But I will not run anymore. I am better than that. I have made the errors, the poor decisions, the hurt. I cannot erase that, but I can stop living in the past, and I can change the future.

I am not perfect, I am human. But they say that the first step to change is acceptance.

I accept what I have done. I accept the responsibility for my actions. And I accept the challenge to change what I am doing. I will get there. and I am sorry.