Timing

You look for his screen name, the moment you sign online, every time the phone rings, you look for his name on the caller id before answering. Knowing he'll be at the next group event, puts a smile on your face, and a simple hello erases a bad day. You think about him constantly, your friends have seen every picture, and your co-workers know his life story. He's your first thought in the morning, and the last one before you go to bed. But he's just a friend. Your confident in good times and bad, the one who holds your hair back after too much to drink at a party, and the one helping you sort out high school's drama. To him you're the nice girl he hangs out with from time to time, to you he's everything. You want to cross the line, but the ball is still in his court.

How do you know when the moment is right? If you find that moment, how do you know that this will be worth risking your friendship? Is it better to stay comfortable and safe in friendship, or jump into the unknown territory of a relationship? Could you live without him in your life, will he be erased when the next cute guy comes along? Picture your life 30 years from now: is he the one holding your hand, as you head home to your empty house, after leaving the oldest at university... or the guy sitting across from you discussing Johnson's math class at your high school reunion.

There may never be a right moment. You have to stop asking questions and just do it. The moment you decide to put everything on the line and just ask. Knowing you could ruin your friendship, but hoping that it will be worth it this time, that's the right moment.

Take it or leave it

You can call me lysh. I've been alive and kicking for seventeen years. Born and raised in Calgary. Graduating in 2006 from s.p.a.(online school). I am pretty down to earth most of the time. But don't take me seriously. I believe that there is a God, though I struggle with my faith sometimes. I have been the goody two shoes, I've been the girl who deserves to go to hell. I'm trying to get back to church on a regular basis, and everything else. Hit a dry spell for a while.I probably couldn't care less about brand name clothes and labels. I own a couple things from American Eagle, Roxy and Hurley but I'm just as comfortable in my Walmart jeans and a t-shirt from Stiches. I love dressing up, but I'm also content in PJ pants and a hoodie. I like everyone until given a reason not to and even then I'll give you a decent shot. Unless you piss me off from the beginning, and you'll know when you do. Parties are fun on occasion, but I'd rather spend a lazy evening watching movies and cuddeling than out with a large group of people. I'd love to say that I'm wise beyond my years, but I'd be lieing. I've gone through a lot in the past few years, things that have shaped who I am now, but sometimes I'm still as lost and confused as the next person. What happens happens, and life goes on though. I have a bad habit of holding on to my past, and it always comes out at the worst times. Often it pushes people away, I'm working on that too. I've been in love a few times, but as of now I am waiting for my prince charming. Though I am waiting for him, I am not really looking. I'm not ready for another relationship right now, I don't have the time, or emotional strength to put into a relationship right now. I have no idea how to be a good girlfriend, I don't even know who I am on my own most of the time. My past relationships and friendships have suffered because of that. However when that prince does come around he better remember that chocolate and flowers are okay but green tea and monopoly pieces from McDonalds are better. I won't talk to you if you can't keep up your end of the conversation, I don't enjoy talking to myself. My parents approval plays a part in my decision, and I do have boundaries. Currently I'm living at home with my three younger sisters, my parents and our zoo full of pets. Once I finish high school, I plan to move out if I am able to make enough money. My family mean a lot to me, I bitch and complain about them more than I should, but deep down I know I couldn't survive without them. This has been the biggest factor in some relationships. I've got it sorted out now, it only took three years. I don't have my future figured out, it will come to me in time. In kindergarten they all wanted to be doctors, and lawyers so they could save the world. I didn't know what I wanted to be. Now I'd love to work with the homeless, start something like the Mustard Seed or the Dream Centre. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that what goes around comes around. Anything else, just ask.

DVD Club

So I am apart of this DVD club. I paid 49cent for each of my first 5 DVD's and now if I buy one DVD for 19.98 I get unlimited DVD's after that for 50% off. It's pretty sweet. I get to pay for my DVD's when they are delivered, if they are in the condition I expected, though my bank account. No credit cards required. If I get a DVD sent to me that I didn't ask for, I just have to return it and I will be credited to my account. So far I have bought 8 dvds for under 80.00 total cost. All releases from 2000-2005.

They also have a music club, the first 12 cd's are free. Same deal as the DVD club. Cool hey? Definitely smart for the DVD fanatic.

I signed up for the club at http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=19980695 if any of you are interested. Follow the links to "Columbia House".

Love,
Me :)

Dear Boy, Dear Girl

Dear Boy,
I am sorry that I couldn't be everything you expected. For not holding up my end of things, or providing the entertainment I should have. I'm sorry that things slowed down after the summer. I am sorry for the drama. I really wanted things to work this time. I wanted to believe that everything was better. That I was invisible, and that it would all just dissapear. It didn't, until it was too late. I'm sorry for not being supportive enough. For making you feel like you couldn't talk to me. I was always here, waiting to listen. I would have pushed my stuff away in an instant. I'm sorry that things came to this. For making you feel like you couldn't do anything but get out. I am sorry for the things that you go through, even though I didn't cause them and I can't fix them. You don't deserve to feel pain, or burden. You're too good for that. I am sorry for making you feel like you can't trust me, I would never intentionally hurt you. I hope you understand that now. Most of all I'm sorry that I let you down, that this fell apart.I know this won't change things, but I had to tell you anyway. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm sorry for hurting you.

Love Girl.
_________________________________________________________
Dear Girl,
Know that you never let me down. Know that I care about you. Know that it wasn't the lack of "entertainment." It was me and I need to find out what I want for me and whether thats best for you or not it will be best for me and know that you never hurt me, its the other way around. Know that I can't ever rely on anyone myself or share whats on the inside. My own insecurities are what pushed me away not anything you said or did or had go on. Its my fault that I let it come to this. I'm sorry.

The Boy
________________________________________________________
Dear boy,
I know. Deep down somewhere I understand it all. Well parts of it atleast. You did what you had to do, what works for you right now. I have no reason to judge you for that. I don't plan to. Please know that I'm still here, in whatever way you need me to be. Always.

Girl.

Girls.

Well it's been a month of change in my life, so I'll try to update you all with as little complication as possible.

Back in July an aquaintance of mine, Sarah threw a party while her parents were out of town. Well because at the time we were best friends, I thought I'd go because it was important to her that I go. Well it obviously wasn't important enough to her, to stand up for me when I needed someone the most. I had planned on having a couple of coolers and nothing more because there's never a good reason to get drunk. Anyway after I had finished off my pack of four 'Mikes Hard Lime' a friend of mine handed me another two drinks. Well I don't drink often, so after my four, and definitely after the sixth drink I was not really in a position to go anywhere or do much more than sit on the couch. Which I had been doing, with the before mentioned friend. Sarah wanted to start a game of spin the bottle, but Jason (the friend) had other motives. I won't go in to details, but the next couple of hours were not pretty. Sarah doesn't think that it should be her problem. So on my parents request and my own feelings, Sarah and I haven't spoken often in the past couple of months.

After that, Heather decided to come back into my life. I guess it was my lucky couple of weeks, until she got bored. Heather isn't always the nicest person, she has a lot of stuff built up, and her way of release is often to 'bully' other people. One day her and her friend decided to write a really nasty message to Sarah on the website www.nexopia.com and post a picture of Sarah in her bathing suit along with it. As Sarah knew that I had been talking to Heather, I didn't want her thinking that I had anything to do with it. So I sent Sarah a message telling her that although we weren't talking, she didn't deserve having that written about her, and that I had nothing to do with. Heather got really mad and she responded to a previous blog I have posted on my own nexopia account. She spent half a page, putting me down and throwing things that have happened in my life at me, etc. Needless to say we too have not spoken in a month.

I am not too upset about either of these occurances, after all they happen every day right? It's normal at this age to bicker with your girlfriends, and not talk for a few days or months at a time. Atleast I hope so. It's not normal though to no longer have a single female friend. Someone to spend friday nights with, reading over a magazine with a chick flick in the background, pigging out on junk food, and talking about your boyfriends. Someone who tags along to your boyfriend's hockey game, keeping you company as you play the role of the supportive girlfriend. Someone to go to for advice, even just for hair and make up tips. Someone to blow your paychecks at the mall with. As much as I'd like to say that I'm okay with this, I'm not. I miss it, more than I ever thought I would.

Sure I have plenty of guy friends, but it isn't the same. I can't talk to them about how 'hot' someone else is, or get clothing advice. I definitely cannot have sleepovers with them, and they'll look awfully silly in a bridesmaid dress.

Why do girls have to be so dramatic? Are we so wrapped up in ourselves and fitting in that we'll do anything to achieve social security. And why does a falling out with a girlfriend leave us more hurt than the end of a two year relationship with a boy?

Dear Boy

Dear Boy

There are many things that I want to tell you, things that you deserve to know, but there are reasons why I can't. Maybe it's insecurities; maybe just my own stupidity. I want you to know that there are areas of my life that I'm not ready to share with you yet. Please don't think you did anything wrong. You didn't.

I want you to know that I am a girl. That regardless of how often you tell me that I am beautiful, sometimes I'll think otherwise. I am insecure in myself, it's not because of you. Though you want to, you can't fix it. I want you to know that I have a fear of eating in front of people. I'm not just starving myself. I don't like social situations. If I act shy around your friends, or pull away, it's not that I don't like them, I'm wondering if they like me.

I want you to know that I'm not always as strong as I act. I cry myself to sleep at night, and I don't always know why. It's silly I know. I don't like drawing attention to myself, because I don't know if I can handle what people think. So if I don't kiss you in public, don't take it personally. I want you to think that I can take care of myself, but I want you to understand that deep down I need to know that you're there too.I want you to know that I'm okay. That you didn't cause of any of this, but at the same time, you might not be able to fix it either. I don't want you to worry about me. It hurts to think that you might.

Most of all I want you to know that even though there's some baggage that comes with me, I'm going to give this all that I can. I'm in it for the long haul if you are. But please don't worry about me. I'm ok. I just wanted you to know.

Love Girl.

Deep thinking?

Wow, it has been 3 weeks since I have blogged... yikes. The last blog was not particularily nice either, although I do really feel that way about the individual at times. Anyway, here's an update on life, in a deep thought process.

People are always talking about the 'honeymoon stage' of a relationship ending. The stage when you begin to realize , the commitment you've made, the differences between you and that person, and the struggles of a life with someone else. What is this stage called when you're dating? We all go through it, there's the few months of complete and total bliss then somewhere you hit a rough spot and things never seem to return to the exact way they were in the early months. I tried talking to one of my friends about this, and of course everyone suddenly got concerned about my current relationship. Things are okay, as far as I know, I'm just not sure that everything really is on his end. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, maybe we're just past those blissful months? Or maybe I'm creating problems out of nothing. Hmm.

Why is it that as humans we find it so hard to be there for the small, day to day things but in the event of a larger problem we'll rush to do what we can. Not just world crisis, or the famine in Africa, but day to day relationships as well. Especially in the teenage years. It is so easy to ignore eachother for weeks on end, but as soon as we hear of a crisis we do what we can to be back in that person's life. Why does it take a crisis? Why can't we all suck up our insecurities, and be there for eachother every day?

On a more positive note... I got my old job back. I am very grateful to the company for giving me a second chance. I was not always the best employee in the 7 months I worked there within the past year, so I was skeptic when I re-applied. Despite my past irresponsibility, the managers didn't give a second thought to rehiring me. I even still have some superiority over many of the front end staff. Right now I'm pretty much a floater, my name tag says 'cashier' but I do Kid's Club, Stock, and Run Errands, as well. It keeps me busy, but I'd rather have more stability. Money is money though, and it's a fairly easy job. One thousand dollars away from buying a car.

School starts again in around 3 or 4 weeks. Grade 12. Scary stuff. I'm excited that this is my last year, but I'm freaked out at the same time. I have no idea what I want to do with my life after high school, and working at Michaels probably won't last forever. Sometimes I wish I was going back to traditional school, but I don't want to try and make friends in my grade 12 year, I'm not outgoing enough for that. Plus online schooling does give me that extra flexibility with work, and day to day business. Once I have my car, I can go visit my friends at school, and I can go to school events and get to know some of the faces behind the screen. Once I figure out my future, grade 12 should be a breeze. Minus those big diploma exams.

'That's all for now folks'.

I must have thought wrong

I must have been kidding myself to think that this would work.

You wouldn't be caught dead in anything other than AE and TNA,
I shop at Stiches and Walmart, though I don't have to.
You're all dolled up in your MAC make-up
I wear 'Wet n wild'.
Your world revolves around you and only you
I don't want a part in mine.
You have everything handed to you on a silver platter.
I've worked hard for every thing I own.
You live your high class private school life.
As I sit at home in my sweatpants.
Drinking, sex and partying fill your evenings and weeknds.
As I sit at home waiting to be invited anywhere.

You are self absorbed, soaking in the party life, in your brand name clothes, driving daddy's car, for what? The desire for people who won't matter to notice you, to give you the time of day. Sleeping with your boyfriend, because of a bet, so you can proudly say "my parent's can't control me", but use it to control him. Do you even know who you are? What you do? The impression you give? The people you are hurting? I sit here hour after hour, waiting for your screen name to pop up or the phone to ring. Sure I don't like hanging out with your friends, but I don't have to.. I'm not friends with them. That shouldn't mean that I don't get to see you. Time is always cut short, because you have to put him first. It's either you or him, no one else matters. As long as your happy, the rest of the world must be to. Right? 'Cause that's how your world works.

Wake up and smell the coffee, the real world doesn't work that way.It must be my fault, I thought it would work.

//I guess opposites don't attract.

Grad

Tonight was Steffany's grade 6 grad... exciting eh? Anyway so we're sitting there, in a room full of people we've never met.. to listen to the Janet Johnstone school song... and what all the kids want to be in the future. Then they played a 10 minute video, of pictures and clips from throughout the school year. I started to get teary eyed at this point. Thinking about my days in traditional school.

Since I started cyber schooling, I've realized just how much I miss traditional school. Not just any traditional school though, because I hated my 3 months at Scarlett. How much I missed being at Masters. Seeing my friends every day, friends I'd known since 5th grade, going to Circle Square Ranch every september, walking to the park and the icecream shop at lunch, the way things had been for 4 years. Sure I still talk to most of my friends from Masters, and I hang out with a few of them but it's not the same. I still spend hour after hour day in and day out on my computer. Talking to myself, or the few people I know at St. Pauls. Interacting through a computer screen. I miss the face to face.

Then I got thinking about this coming school year, and grad. I want a real graduation with my friends. Sure I'm going to their grad, but I want to walk across the stage with them.. not just sit in the audience then go to the dance. I don't want to go to a grad, with a bunch of people I've never met... never built relationships with. Grad is supposed to be a celebration of high school, and the good times with friends. Not a certificate for sitting behind a computer.

Regardless of how much I want it though.. it doesn't matter. I'm stuck behind the computer screen for another year.

*Just a useless rant really... but it's a blog*

Scary Stuff

Alright this isn't going to make any sense at all but I totally have to rant about it cause it is scaring the crap out of me.

This guy added me on msn a few weeks ago right? Alright well I hadn't heard anything from him for a while. Tonight he got a webcam, so suddenly he decided to talk to me. In the hopes of getting naked pictures.. I am so not joking.

Anyway I refused, so he hacked into my msn again, once in my account, he found out my address, postal code, and any other account registered through that e-mail. So he hacked into 3/4 of my internet accounts, and deleted them. If any of you can't get into your hotmail accounts... he was threatening to go into my contact list. I am extremelly sorry!

Anyway so this guy was really freaking me out, so around 1:30 my dad came down and started talking to him on the new account I made (while the guy was on my justduckie account). Threatening him, with tracing his IP and ISP and Proxy and getting authorities involved. Nothing scared this guy away! With my dad talking to him, he was still asking for nude pics of me, telling my dad that if he got a nude pic of me, he'd restore all my accounts. Obviously we refused to bend.

So now I have accounts gone all over the place, and I can only be contacted by phone because any account I create he finds. My dad is going to trace a bunch of his stuff tomorrow, and I saved the conversations. We are going to get the authorities involved, especially because he knows where I live!

So please pray that this gets resolved, that nothing really serious happens, and that this works out in our favor!

*Just goes to prove my other blog I guess. Honestly, as soon as I refused sexually explicit pics, this guy turned really creepy!!*

Boys

Is it just me, or teenage guys retarded? I'm tired of being judged based on my height, weight, bra size, or whether or not I will put out. What happened to old school love? To being with someone for who they are, enjoying their company, wanting to be with them day and night? Have we become so wrapped up in the physical that we've forgotten the emotional?

There's so much pressure on teenagers to have sex, that everything we do revolves around sex. You turn on the tv, and there's a half naked woman to advertise toothpaste, turn on the radio, and you hear a couples steamy relationship to advertise condoms, you walk down the street and there are 14 year old girls in tube tops and barely-there skirts. What have we become?

After being with a guy like that for nearly two years, it is such a relief to have a relationship with someone where it's all emotional. We're teenagers, yes hormones are racing... but there is a such thing as self control. I love the little things with my guy, and there's days where I'm content just cuddeling, and sneaking in the odd kiss. How can you have a relationship based on the physical? It never works.

There are a few guys out there who don't think that way, and girls who are accepted although they don't look as if they stepped out of playboy. Kudos to you! We need more people like that in society.

RIP Tico

So thursday sucked.... my mom woke me up to ask me to come look at My Rabbit (tico) who wasn't moving at all. When I went to his cage, he was laying on his side... very abnormal. I opened the cage, to find him not breathing. After feeling for broken bones, I found that his one foot was stuck inside his hiding place. Based on the lack of blood in the cage, we are assuming that he must have punctured something inside, in his struggle to get his foot out.

Tico was my baby, from the day I got him he was spoiled as anything. When he wanted attention he would bang on his cage or throw things against the walls of his cage. When I finally opened his cage door, I could let him run around the house for hours, when he was tired he would plop down in a corner, and he never peed out of his litter box. He had a leash and collar, and whenever I was outside I'd take him out and he'd run around the yard. He could even go out back without his leash, after all he just wanted to eat the grass. During the winter he'd spend hours sitting in my lap cuddeling, or laying on my bedroom floor. He would follow me around the house, and just like a toddler, when he wanted up he'd stand on his two back legs, front paws on my leg. As soon as I picked him up, he'd snuggle with his head on my shoulder. Although he sometimes chewed on my carpet, and he liked to leave gifts when he was in the room. He was my baby... my reason for smiling on those really hard days.

Tico knew where we kept treats.. carrots and apples... and everytime we would open the fridge he'd hop over to the fridge, and try to get into the fruit and veggie crispers, if you didn't pull out a treat, he'd look at you then paw at the crisper some more until he got what he wanted. If his water bottle was empty, he would jump up on to my computer desk and drink out of my water glass, or go upstairs and drink out the dogs water dish. It was rather cute. People food was his favorite.. after all chocolate tastes better than pellets. Christmas Eve we were watching a movie, and mom and dad had been drinking wine. Well Tico thought he should have some, he was pretty determined... he stood with his front paws on the bottle licking the rim. When dad moved the bottle away, Tico jumped onto the couch and tried to get it back. Alcoholic bunny.

I couldn't at 15 have a real baby, so we adopted Tico as my furry baby. He was my mom's grandbunny. When he got dirty and had to have a bath, mom would pull out the heating pad and a carrot and hold him till he was warm. If I was out all day, she'd get him out of his cage so he could run around and when it was time for him to go back in his cage she'd get him a carrot. Whenever people came over, she'd talk about her grandbunny. Dad would share PITA out of his mouth with Tico, and talk 'nose wiggle'. However their relationship wasn't always that great. One of the few times Tico peed outside of his cage, was the night that he came to live with us.. he went to have a cuddle with dad and peed on him. Regardess, even dad loved the bunny.
Tico loved to go on adventures in whitney and destiny's rooms, because there was always something to find. Either food scraps, or something to play in. Often I would go upstairs, and whitney would go "he's in here", or Destiny would come downstairs with him, because he'd been under her bed. His other favorite place for food scraps or wrappers, was when he was in mom and dad's room, he would always head straight for the garbage can, often all you'd be able to see was his little black tail at the top of the can. Maybe that's a sign that he wanted to be fed more? haha.

Even Mark, who is not an animal person, would sit and cuddle with Tico. One time Destiny came down to my room, and asked, "If you're tico's mommy does that mean that Mark is is dad?"... it was pretty cute. When we went to Disneyland last summer, Tico stayed at Mark's house... dog kennel and all. I phoned Mark half way through the week to find out that Tico didn't like Marks dad and tried to avoid Mark.. but he was doing well. Phew.

Tico was a rabbit like none other... full of personality and life, which is why his death was so unexpected. I wear the tag off of his collar on a chain around my neck and keep his picture on my desk. Even if I do get another rabbit, I know it won't be the same. But I know that by adopting Tico I was not only saving his life, but through the months, he made a difference in mine.

R.I.P Bunny.

Happiness

They say that happiness is a virtue.. I could not agree more!

I was thinking the other day, while I was really down and upset. I thought about just how much of the past two years I have spent down and depressed. Batteling off and on with mild anorexia, fighting with depression and anxiety but never admitting it. Giving everyone the impression that I wasn't okay, but telling everyone that I was. I realized that it really wasn't worth it.

During this time I began thinking of grade 8, a time when I was truly happy, happier than I can ever remember being. Thinking of all the happy memories I have, of all the things that I did, and the one person who made it that much better for me, Dane. This really put the whole happiness thing into perspective for me.

For those of you who personally know me, I pretty much should have been admitted to a hospital after Mark broke up with me. I hit the darkest point in my life, but to everyone I put on a mask, acted fine. When I truly wasn't. I believed that if I told everyone that I was fine, I would be. I began branching out with friends more often, getting involved in activities that were important to me, prior to Mark. This wasn't helping things at all. So I tried hiding from everyone, including myself. Clearly, this wasn't going to work either. I toyed with thoughts of suicide, and over dosing, but I knew this wouldn't make things better either.

Slowly I started to realize that being depressed wasn't getting me anywhere. The person who had been there for me through everything in the past 2 years gave up on me, because even he couldn't take me anymore. He didn't know how he could help, and he pulled away. I realized that I had to change.

I would like to say that he pushed me in the right direction, but I hit an even bigger downward spiral. I felt that I couldn't go on without him, that if he was going to give up on me, there wasn't any point in trying. But slowly with his support, from a distance of course, and the help of my girlfriends, I started to get back up. For 5 weeks I would take two steps forward and another step back, but every step forward was progress.

Sunday I hit a true moment of happiness, although the tears would lead you to think otherwise. I realized that I truly was going to be okay without Mark, I had my girls, everything would be okay. Then the person I had waited 3 years for, asked me for a second chance. Well at this point I was in Heaven. Someone who had been through the whole depression thing, and shared that with me, had just asked me to be in their life again. Nothing could be better.

Until tuesday came. It was a typical day, but then I decided to walk to Heather's place, we watched our girlie shows. Then walked to the park, we spent over an hour at the park, even in the rain. Swinging on swings, sliding down the slide, going across the monkey bars. It was like elementary and junior high all over again. It was then that I realized just how important it is to let yourself have those times in life. And what it feels like to be.. truly happy.

A tribute to the nice girls

"This is a tribute to the nice girls. The nice girls made of sugar and spice, who always get overlooked, and who sit and endure endless ranting about the psycho-bitch stalker sluts men are wasting their time with, all the while embodying an angelic, classy exterior that is underrated. This is dedicated to the girls who pick up the phone at 2 a.m. to talk to their belligerently drunk guy friends and listen to them for hours about nonsense because they don’t feel like going to sleep. This is for the girls who still say thank you to the guy who hurries to hold the door open for the leggy blonde in front of you, then squeezes in front of you and barely saves the door from slamming in your face. This is in honor of the girls who reiterate how lucky any girl would be to have a certain guy, and then tell him 50 different ways to impress the girl of his dreams who is too stupid and stuck up to notice him in the first place. This is in honor of the girls who pump up a man’s ego because she knows how delicate is, and once it gets bruised, she tells him how sexy/smart/funny he is so that his confidence (and head) is as inflated as it was before some dumb bitch ripped his heart out and put it in a blender. This is for the girls with the big hearts, who aren’t afraid to be silly, who lay it on the line, and who can go with the flow. This is for the girls who truly believe there is more to guys then sex and sports, but still put up with the sexist jokes and watch ESPN Sports Center without complaint. This is for all the girls who have been told, “you’re the type of girl guys want to marry”, and who spend their Friday nights alone (or with other nice girls) because they don’t put out on the first date. This is for the girls who possess all of the qualities of a kick-ass girlfriend, but never get the time of day. This is for all of the girls who are unappreciated, but still unselfishly give their time and effort, go to great lengths to please others, and continue to genuinely care about other people’s feelings (even if they are assholes). This is for the ladies who are called prude because they would rather spoon than lick balls. For all the girls who are cast to the side, sit out the slow dances, and confidently go stag to social events, this is for you. This is for the time you had to work at 8 a.m. the next morning, but still picked his drunken ass up and drove him around so his other drunk friends wouldn’t have to leave the party and so he wouldn’t have to stumble into his house puking at 3 a.m. This is for the time he ditched hanging out with you to play video games with his friends and for the time he blew you off to stare at some anorexic blonde with jugs bigger than your head in a bathing suit. This is for the time you went to hang out with him and his friends and even though he was too cool to admit he had feelings for you and practically ignored you the whole time, you still pretended not to notice as all comments were directed to your chest instead of your face. This is for the Scarface marathon you sat through after he bitched for the first five minutes of a romantic comedy you’d been dying to see, but you let him choose what to watch anyway, because you’re nice like that. Nice girls don’t get the attention they deserve. We like sports, we like to get rough and dirty, we don’t ask you 100 times if you think we’re fat, and we don’t complain while you munch down four cheeseburgers as we enjoy our salad and water. Even more surprising, nice girls don’t get asked out as much as they should. We don’t expect anything fancy, I mean you can save that $40 you spent taking some whore out to dinner just so you could secure some booty time for desert and use it to rent a video and buy us some flowers. I wish I could explain this, but the only conclusion I can come up with is guys are image-whores who just want a hot piece of ass and to uphold a badass reputation. Many of them claim they want a girl they can take home to Mom, but when faced with such a lucky find they say absurd, illogical things such as “Oh, she’s out of my league”, “The timing is off”, or “She’s not my type”. I’m sorry, but these conceited jerks I just have no tolerance for. There is no connection between what they say (“I don’t want to wake-up next to a stranger”) and what they do (“Who the fuck is this naked woman in my bed?”). Furthermore, they comment on the lack of women who possess the full-package that are still available as they continue to sleep around with any hoe-bag with a short skirt, blonde streaks, wide-open legs, and even wider-opened mouths. But one thing I will say is this does not last forever. Eventually the boys get tired of fucking the high-school/college dropout with STDs and illegitimate children, and that’s when they will be begging to tap the tight nice girls’ asses. The hard part is sorting out the loser guys from the ones who didn’t have to sleep with 25 girls to realize what they actually want in a woman and then making sure they aren’t involved with the very psycho-bitches that give us nice girls a bad rep. So until these men realize what they are missing, until they actually grow big enough balls to go for the nice girls, until they are ready to get more from a relationship than blow jobs and booty calls, and until they have the intelligence to give us exactly what we need, I propose a toast to all the nice ladies. You know who you are, and I know you are sick of hearing you have to be patient and keeping waiting until what’s meant to happen will happen. But the truth is, the world needs your long comforting talks, your insightful suggestions, your pleasantly optimistic perspective, and your tendency to let the men act like heroes and take the credit while you sit in the background as the ditzy damsel who has so much more than what meets the eye. For all the crazy, immature, ill-witted things you fathom, for all the situations where your infallible performance is unacknowledged, and for the endless nights you spend trying to improve someone else’s life instead of your own, my gratitude and appreciation go out to you. You do have infinite, priceless, goddess qualities and our sovereignty and absolution is coming."~Author Unknown

I read that and I really liked it. I thought that all girls should have the opportunity to hear that and to know that us nice girls will get our reward in the end.

be yourself

Why is it that we're afrad of letting people see us? We build up our defense, put up walls, and hide behind ourselves. Playing the ever popular game, of trying to impress everyone else.

In elementary you're happy to go to school in your mismatched clothes, it doesn't matter what other people think of you. Then Junior high hits and the only thing that matters is having the "popular" group notice you. You'll spend hundreds of dollars on brand name clothes that will be out of style next week. Just to be accepted. High school you strive to be "different", but in your struggle to do so, you're creating new ways for people to notice you. We're forever trying to impress others, forgetting who we really are.

What happens when it gets you where you want? You've got the job you want, wear the clothes that are in style, and you've finally landed yourself the guy you want.

This guy only knows you, because of the way you put yourself out there. But you haven't put yourself out there, you've put this recreation of yourself, what's left of you after all the walls, and defenses. Eventually the real you will come out. Usually at the worst time. So why bother with living yourself as someone you're not. Shouldn't a guy like you for who you really are from the beginning. Rather than someone you've pretended to be for his attention.

Love

Today I was reading an article that was written on nexopia. The article spoke of the innocence of elementary love, and the changes and complications of love as we get older. I don't have time for a long blog, so I will share my thought on the topic.

"Trying to define love, is like finding the definition of perfect. There is not one true definition, rather it changes with every person. Love is different for every person, every couple and every situation. Love is unique, and true love should be yours, not someone else's opinion."

Honesty

Tonight I was asked ,"Do you believe in honesty, or what should be said, honestly?". I replied with the first thing that popped into my head. "I believe that everyone deserves to know the truth, however sometimes you aren't in the right circumstance to tell them".

I stand behind this one hundred percent. Everyone deserves to know the truth, but the right circumstance to tell them may never arise. Often we hold back from telling someone how we feel because we're afraid of how they'll take it. Othertimes we know what we have to say will hurt the recipent so again we hold back.

Everyone wants to know the truth, everyone says they can handle the truth. But can we? Finding out the truth after the fact, hurts so much more than finding out at the beginning. It is amazing how much we lie to people to protect them, and in the end it just makes things worse.

For instance I just got out of a 21 month relationship and now I'm finding out things I never knew. We're not dating and still he'd hiding things from me. Tonight he told me that there is someone else, two weeks after we broke up. It hurt so much more to find out tonight, then if he'd just told me up front when she came into the picture. I wish I could be where I am now, two weeks ago.

I'd have done the last two weeks differently. But that is a topic for another blog.

Today's Thought

"Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be in love? To want to spend every day with someone, because of the way you feel when you're with them. To miss that person 5 minutes after saying good bye. To cherish every minute that you're together. To experience a feeling like no other; one that grows every day. Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have that taken away?"

I am starting to write a book, and that is the introduction. There is so much that I can say on that note, but there are few words to explain it. Therefore that is my profound thought for the day. One I will expand on later.

A Word To The Girls

I wrote this a year ago when a close friend of mine was going through all sorts of identity crisis issues and what not. I began to think just how much girls worry about their appearance and how others see them, and it inspired the following:

We’ve all been there (being teenage girls, how could we not?), you’re sitting there in history class. Mr. Jones is droning on about dates that happened decades ago, the same dates you didn’t care about yesterday, while you sit there staring at the back of the hottie in front of you. That same guy who 10 years ago, was diagnosed with the ever popular cooties, then miraculously cured the day the popular girl came to school with a hickey. You sit there anticipating the day he decides to come off his planet and acknowledge your existence, not realizing you’ve fallen into the trap of society, or that tomorrow there will be a pop quiz on those boring history dates. However, you’re just a girl, what are you suppose to do about it? “It doesn’t matter if I fail that history pop quiz; Tommy likes his girls dumb anyway”. Tommy also likes his girls to be tall, blonde, a 34D, and to have the waistline of an elementary school girl. Does Tommy really feel this way? Or is it just another myth that our world has conjured, society’s idea of “every guy’s perfect girl”.

In reality, during our teen years generally girls do not look as if they just came from the latest issue of Playboy, yet 3,000+ women are still married yearly in Canada. Seeing how the majority of females are brunettes or red heads, under 5’7, within an a-c range, and weigh in around 120-160, every guy cannot be interested in only tall, blondes with big chests, and elementary school girl waists. Therefore there has to be more to guys than the way their girl looks.

Unfortunately most girls do not see this; they see the popular girls with their captain of the basketball team boyfriends, and feel that they could never have a guy, because they’re different than the media says girls should be. Girls can be funny, smart, a blast to be with, cute, multi talented and overall awesome and don't need to try and please a guy however they still do. Girls tend to not believe that if he can take his head out of his ass long enough to realize what they have to offer (as before mentioned), then will he be worth their time, but that instead if he's got his head up his ass (no matter how hot his head or ass may be) and turns them down because they may not look like they just stepped out of the pages of Playboys most recent edition, then they are somehow worth the girls time.

Girls don’t realize that the trick isn’t to go out of your way to attract the guys... if they're worth it they'll come to you; otherwise they aren't worth your time. If you're dressing slutty to get their attention, you'll get it but only because generally guys are pig headed and are hoping to get some, and that isn't going to get you anywhere a week later anyway. The perfect guy will see their girl as beautiful regardless of how she is dressed, and he'll be able to realize her for her brains as well. You don’t have to dress to impress anyone other than yourself, especially not a guy. If you’re comfortable in what you’re wearing, then wear it. If and when Tommy realizes that you do infact exist, he should only get the satisfaction of your attention if he treats you like the goddess that you are.

There are enough girls out there who have low self confidence due to guys, the popular girls, and the media. You don’t be another one of them. Turn heads by being confident in whom you are, in the long run it will get you so much further than plastic surgery, the “right” clothes, or Playboy ever will. Getting attention from guys is only an added bonus to feeling awesome about yourself because of you who are. Okay, well that and passing that pop quiz, due to your new found confidence in yourself instead of Tommy.