Something is missing

I am frustrated.
and this frustrates me.
as I try really hard not to let things get to me.
to go with the flow, roll with the punches and take things with a grain of salt.
but today I am frustrated.

I probably should just not be allowed to sit down and think.
because this never leads to anything good.
but today I did exactly that.
I lay out in the sun with my ipod and a book and tried to just have "me" time.
Which was quickly interuppted, as I was the "big" sister home for Destiny.
Who was very cute, and cut me up an apple and brought it outside with a rammekin of peanut butter.
(In tupperware, so that no Bee's would smell it and come bother me)

There are soo many things that I want to do with my life.
and I have known from a very young age exactly what they are.
I was talking about my childhood last night,
and how I use to make my sisters play endless hours of "daycare" with me.
If that isn't cool, then I don't know what is.
but finances are such a road block.

I feel like everytime I take a step forward,
something pushes me two steps back.
It doesn't matter how many "better" paying jobs I take on.
The money is never there.
The debt is never getting smaller.

I've put off school for two years,
knowing what I want to take but having too much debt to risk applying for student loans.
getting ahead with my finances, and getting into car accident after car accident.
or spending a year with inexplainable, never ending infections.
and I finally get my health under control and stop getting into accidents.
and we're in a freaking recession.

I know that I am not the only one.
that everyone is really struggling these days.
but I am frustrated.
and I try to have faith that it will all work out.
but maybe I'm looking too hard for security signs and missing them all together.